Weird Day

Hello,

I have been thinking...
Being a teenager (especially a 16 year old) is like going through a transition, from child to adult. The problem is that being this age, you are in between the two. Not on one side of the line, or the other. So being a child-adult you are basically ready to grow up but are being restricted by laws and society. Obviously this phase comes at different times in everyone's life, some people it will come earlier and for some people later.

But this phase is difficult because lets face it you are stuck between the child and adult worlds with no one way to go. Being stuck in this transition phase is hard, and this (I have discovered) is not unusual but also it is the thing I am in. I am in transition, like a butterfly's cocoon.

In other news...
Today at work, We were cleaning and I ended up lugging sacks of flour around the kitchen. I grabbed one and started dragging it across the room backwards. Of course being me I only got a little way across the room before I backed my arse into the edge of the table. I will probably have a bruise now. I also sieved some coco powder and ended up covered from head to toe in the stuff. I also cleaned the floor so by the time I strolled out of work across the car park towards my Dad, I looked like I had been through a hedge backwards.   

I have had a weird day :)

bye.

I accept my depression

Hi,

Today I accepted that I am not alright. I have recently had depression and I am not well yet. I keep avoiding this subject but I have to face it.

I have had depression! I am recovering from depression!

It is a difficult thing to admit. Depression is different for everyone but for me, the feeling I get before I got ill was like I couldn't stop myself from getting depressed and I was grasping onto the edge of the cliff trying to stay on top, trying not to fall into my illness again. Yes, depression is an illness and I prefer, on the rare occasions I talk about my depression, to say, 'when I was ill' rather than 'when I had depression'.

I saw a picture the other day of me when I was ill. It was not pretty, you could tell something wasn't right. I heard a quote the other day. It was from a crappy movie but it was a brilliant quote. "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." It is the thought that goes through my head a lot when I am ill. I feel guilty because I am troubling the people I care about most. I saw a cartoon strip which was captioned with the worries of a person with anxiety. There were black and white pictures and captions about the sorts of things people with anxiety think. The one that really got to me was this: 'Do you remember that stupid thing you did? So does everybody else!' it is a perfect example of how anxiety feels, and how I felt for a long time.

Depression is often misunderstood or even trivialised but everyone who has ever experienced it knows that however they got into it. Getting out of depression is an uphill battle. The things that would help make you better are the same things you feel least like doing. But more than that you feel like you can't do them. You feel like there is nothing you can do.

I am getting better but I have finally admitted that I am not better yet!

Good luck if you have it or know someone who does. Whatever you do, keep trying! Just trying. It doesn't matter what you do so long as you do it with passion and you really try.
(At least that is my opinion.)

bye.

Nomming and Books

Hello,

This morning I got up really early and when I was getting dressed I needed to yawn. Now when I yawn, I say nom, nom, nom. I don't know why it is just a habit that started as a joke, so when I yawned this morning I accidentally said nom, nom, nom accept I didn't want to wake anyone so I whispered it. And then started laughing because I just managed to whisper nom, nom, nom. Sometimes I doubt my own brain power.

I was told this morning to write how I feel and I wrote a short page on how cold I was. I feel better now. I don't think anyone ever feel good all the time and I really hope no one always feels bad all the time. I know I am not depressed because I keep getting cross with my sister which is good but also bad for my sister.

I have been reading about different religions, philosophy's and beliefs. It is very interesting, especially the alternative medicine, ritual magic and astronomy. I don't think I believe in a lot of what I am reading but it is super interesting and some of it is very wise and true. I also have a book on decoding dreams which has a lot about psychology and the unconscious mind.

I decided that life can't just stop being important here. If I am unhappy I still have something to work for so, work I will. I will work!

Yay me :)

bye.

I am, I have learned.

Hello,

People say that you can be whoever you want and often who 'you' are can be decided by listing a few facts about yourself such as:

Name:
Favourite colour:
Favourite food:
Least Favourite colour:
Least Favourite food:
bla, bla, bla...

So if you want to change your 'you' then maybe, you just... can. Just like that. One day you are John Smith and the next you are Bob Clark. All you have to do is change the music you listen to, the colours you like, the clothes you wear. So I have put together a list of things you need to change to change 'you'.

Name:
Favourite Colour:
Usual Food:
Favourite Music:
Usual Clothes And Makeup/Accessories:
Usual Books And Movies:
Usual Way Of Speaking:
Usual Reactions To Everything:
Opinions:

Ok so they are the basics (I think...)

Who you are in our society is superficial and easily changed. What I am saying is it doesn't matter if one day you are a Goth and the next day you are a hippy. Or you could suddenly become both?

It doesn't matter who you are so long as it is something you want to be.

And that is what I have learned from Caitlin Moran's 'How To Build A Girl'

bye.

We Went On Holiday!

Hello,

We had a lovely time in Devon, we went to the beach and swimming every day. It was actually sunny too. It did rain but not too much.

I love the sea so much and I really enjoyed being right by it. In the evenings we went down to look at the sea in the dark and it was amazing, especially with the full moon out too. We ate a lot of junk food, pizza, burger King etc. We barely ever eat out but we ate out loads on holiday. I will be walking off those fast food calories for months :)

It is nice to be back though, it is good to sleep in my own bed and sit on our own sofa and use my laptop again! We don't take our compuery things on holiday!

I will update with some pictures later but for now.

bye.

bla bla Holiday!

Hello,


'How To Be A Girl' by Caitlin Moran has arrived! I am taking it on hoilday to read. It is on my To Do List so I can cross that off soon. I am really excited to read it!!


Tomorrow I am going to Devon Cliffs on holiday I am looking forwards to it but I am having trouble writing that because I am getting violently spellchecked by my mother!! Now she is laughing uncontrollably :)

We are all sort of sitting around waiting for tomorrow. No one knows what to do with themselves.

I won't be writing until I get back on Thursday and I am pretty busy then so it might be a while.

See you soon,

love, ellie

Cool People Have Parents!

Hello,

I talked to my Dad Today, we just chatted together and had a nice time, I do that sometimes. I chat to my parents, like friends, because I am weird, but I have always treated my parents as equals and they have always treated me like that too. I am one of the lucky ones, one of the people who's parents aren't that strict, I get on well with them, we are a close family, I tell them a lot of what is going on in my life. But I still need outside friends, people my own age who I can just be silly with.

I have four friends my own age and two of them are on the computer. My fifth friend lives far away and we talk occasionally on the phone or over Facebook, but we don't talk often. My two main friends are both two years younger than me and one of them goes to school and the other one lives in Shaftsbury, so I can't just pop over to see her whenever I want. I count myself lucky to have so many friends though, I am lucky to have such good friends too.

It is a common problem for people who are home schooled (like me) or people who have recently left school, to have trouble making new friends. At school you are forced to spend time with other people and often those people will become your friends. But when you leave school, you have to do all the work meeting people and befriending them without sounding desperate or being awkward or just ending up as a recluse. I met my friend who goes to school when I was four so that was easy. My home schooled friend in Shaftsbury I met at a meet up organised my our respective mothers. We get on well but we don't see each other often. these two girls are my best friends, I know I am probably not theirs but that surprisingly doesn't bother me.
I have more friends (and definitely more real friends) now than I did when I was ta school. I am doing everything backwards.  

I talked to my Dad today and I realised something. My parents may be just that; parents. But they are mine and I love them, I know I haven't been an easy daughter with my depression and general obsessive behaviour over the last few months and years but I love them so much that I got motivated to get of my depression because I didn't want to stress them out and make them worry. I think I have a close and healthy relationship with them :)

I may not be the coolest person in the world, I still hold my Mum and Dad's hands in public, (I just don't care about what people think about that). But I am still a 16 year old desperate to fit in and I don't fit in at all, except at home. My parents aren't immortal (I'm not saying their old I'm just saying YOLO) (I hate YOLO) And neither am I, so I can spend time with them whenever I want.

I am not too cool to hang out with my parents!

From now on I will spend more time with them, pinkie promise :)

bye.

blue hair

Hello,

In my To Do List, I wrote that I wanted to die my hair blue. I haven't done that yet because of work and life and things getting in the way but I did get a pound land wig. let's say this task is half done :)

Bye.

Oops :)

Hello,

I went to work and had a good day today. I will be starting my gruelling task of  trying to be ok and in the habit of thinking positive thoughts tomorrow. I also want to be doing more things generally. I will hopefully complete another of my To Do List tasks then too.

I have been writing again, mostly to my two internet friends which make up exactly half of my social circle, but also stories. I hope to improve my writing and actually finish something soon.

Today at work I burned my arms trying to get bread out of the oven. I am such a twit, seriously I don't know how I did it I think I just forgot about gravity for a moment. Easily done:)

oops :)

 

 

Bye.

Train To Somewhere New

Hello,

I'm working again today, I got up at seven (reluctantly) and now I am on my laptop until about quarter to nine when I have to get ready.

Doctor who is tonight and of course I am excited. I saw a bit of the Graham Norton show last night with Peter Capaldi in it. Doctor who is the one thing my whole family watches together, it is pretty much the only thing I watch at all actually. I like movies but I don't watch much TV.

I keep wishing that I could just wake up one morning and get on a train and go somewhere new. Just drop everything and leave. I want to get away and see something I haven't seen before, I wish I could just go, as if I had nothing keeping me here, no job or family to worry about me. I know I can't but sometimes I wish I could. There is so much of the world I haven't seen and I want to see more of it before I die. I hope I will get to travel one day. I always thought that everything would all just fall into place and I would go away for a while to travel Britain if not the world. But it hasn't and I am still sitting on the sofa with a laptop writing about it.

After today some things will have to change. I need to do more than just sitting around on my computer all day so I will have to push myself again, I will check the to do list for more ideas. I need to do some inspiring things, maybe watch some inspirational YouTube videos and do some doodle quotes to stick on my wall. I need to start pulling myself out of this tiny little depression that I have relapsed into.

Tomorrow (when I have time) I will go through my week and write down lots of new things to do to keep me busy. I will get over this!

That's all for now.

Bye.
  

update again.

Hello,

The last few days have been slow for me. I spend most time on my laptop writing to my penfriends (yes there's more than one now) and working on a short story I have been writing. The story is just for fun and I might not finish it but I don't mind.

I have been writing a lot of songs too. My guitar is almost permanently on my bed ready to be used and my songbook is looking scruffier by the day. I need to learn some new chords though because my limited knowledge is becoming... well, limiting.

The weather is very strange, sort of sticky and warm but also cold, it's very claustrophobic and I hate it. I was thinking about the funny stories that I have the other day and I realised that I don't have many. Most people have a few funny stories they can tell to knew people they meet or at parties, but all mine are about other people. I just haven't done that much, I need to work on that.

that's all for now,
bye.

Carnival

Hello,

This weekend was the Carnival on my village. I worked most of the day but I got to see the night carnival, I didn't go to the fair. I love carnival day, especially since this year we had a chocolate festival. I bought some different flavoured fudge for my Dad because he couldn't come with us and a homemade candle. I also had a coffee quite early on in the evening so I was hyper for the rest of the night,

I was pretty tired since the cousins visited earlier that day too and I had been working nine thirty to five so I needed something to keep me awake. I ended up running (literally) up the high-street shouting 'get a move on' at my sister. I had a fun night.

growing up is much harder than anyone ever tells you. Being a teenager is so much work. What do you wear, what makeup do you wear, how do you do your hair, what words are you supposed to use when you drop things or fall over (not 'bother' I learned the hard way) and how do you act towards new people and people you 'like' or your friend 'likes'???

How do you act like an ordinary human girl? When I find out I will tell you, if I ever find out.

So until the next time,

Goodbye. 

Ramble

Hello,

We have a new chicken and her name is Sally Sparrow, she is paler than the other two but the other, older chickens pick on her. Madam Vastra is the boss chicken, she survived a badger attack and I'm sure she likes to tell the other two she fought it off herself. She didn't. Amelia Pond is the second in command, she is the cheekiest always trying to steal your food like a seagull. luckily she is not mighty enough to steal our food if we are careful.

I made two pictures today, one of them is a Doctor who quote that says, 'I am and always will be the optimist, the hoper of far flung hopes, and dreamer of improbable dreams.' It is done in blue and purple writing with gold spirals around it. It took me ages. The second (which I actually made first) is a 'The Fault in our stars' quote poster with different quotes in different colours. I am quite proud of both of them.

I am tiered today but it will be bedtime soon so I better say goodbye. I was almost sad to write something after my 'Morning Walk' post because I liked it so much and I didn't want to update ontop of it if you see what I mean?

bye.

A Morning Walk.

Hello,

Today I went for a morning walk.

I woke up early, six O'clock I got out of bed because it has been difficult for me to get up in the morning recently. I pulled out some clothes and a hair brush and tiptoed into the bathroom to dress.
When I was done I grabbed my phone and no money and crept downstairs, I left a note on the kitchen table so no one would worry. I closed the door gently behind me and walked out into the morning.

On one side the sky was pink and the sunlight glowed golden and warm through the clouds but the air had an autumn chill. The crescent moon was shining in the morning light at the top of the pink part of the sky. I looked up at the hill and then down towards the river. I chose to walk down to the river as the grass on the hill would get my feet wet.

I started off down the hill and the morning was beautiful, I walked towards the high street to see the early morning shops that looked warm and welcoming. But I walked on past them watching the coloured carnival bunting that was strung like a spiders web above me between the houses flutter in the wind.

I know the walk to the river well and I got there quickly to find my favourite seat empty as usual. I tiptoed through the grass trying not to get my feet too wet and sat on the dew dampened bench. I watched the river for a while, and the sky. I knew that my phone had no signal and I didn't have long to stay in my makeshift paradise but I enjoyed every second and I felt everything. I felt like all my nerve endings had come alive and every breeze, every sound, every colour was more vibrant and more alive.

I walked to the bridge to see the goose that stands in the river there eating a breakfast of river plants and a moorhen on a branch singing a song. When at last I knew it was time to go I walked slowly, reluctant to leave my small bit of peace, back through the graveyard where the different coloured roses grow, past the pink delicate wildflowers by the path and back to the now busying streets of my home.

When I got back my parents were awake and although I had left a note, they somehow hadn't even realised I was gone.

Bye.  

To Do List 19.

Hello,

I have completed my first To Do List task. I have watched 'The Fault In Our Stars' which is number 19 on the list.

I did cry, I even cried and laughed at the same time at one point so it must have been a good film. I really enjoyed it (despite the crying). It was inspirational and fun and honest. It was defiantly worth putting on the list.

 

A not very attractive picture of me crying. But then this blog was never meant to flatter me.

 

Bye.

What I haven't done

Hello,

I sometimes feel like I haven't done anything much in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have done wonderful things, visited Stourhead Gardens almost every month for a year since I was five. I have been to an environmental fair and a powwow. I have seen live music, carnivals, ballet, plays and I have been in plays. I even went to a music festival last year.

But I want to travel the world and go on more adventures. I guess this feeling is partly anti climax from my adventure to Gloucester and partly that pesky depression creeping in every time I take my eyes off of it for a moment. I feel like I am being dragged under again and I don't know how to stop it. But I won't do anything unless it gets properly bad since I am still ok at the moment. (I think)

I recommend Stourhead Gardens to everyone and anyone because it is my favourite place in the world.

bye.

I am, I want,

Hello,

'You can be whoever you want to be'

I want to be...

happy
kind
helpful
strong
interesting
interested
loved
inspired
prosperous
healthy
funny
motivated
accepted

These are all things that almost everyone wants. But what people forget is that you can try to get them, you can work towards them. Even if you never get them you can try.

I have a to do list that has lots of things I want to do on it. But I think it is good to think about what you want to be sometimes too.

What do you want?

I wonder how many people actually know the answer to that question. I don't, not always.

To quote Vivian Stanshall 'I don't know what I want but I want it now'.

Maybe now is the time to work out what you want and who you are, I know it is for me.

bye. 

Pen Pal's

Hi,

My depressed state of being is taking over again. I can feel the colours slipping away.

So I need help. I don't want to go back to the doctor so I Google support groups and therapists. Nothing in my area that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. But I find pen pals a popular thing.

I joined two sites and a Tumbler page yesterday and tonight. I have had one reply and I hope this will give me something outward to focus on and someone to talk to. I haven't really told anyone but I'm not exactly hiding it either, I just haven't really thought of it till now.

I bought blue hair die the other day and since it is on my To Do list I will ask my boss later in the week if it would be a problem to go all blue haired and punky. I hope for better success with my mental optimism stuff.

That's all for now.

Bye.

Hello Sunday

Hello,

I'm back! (Obviously) hi!

The NLP course was amazing, it was really interesting and I learned so much. The most important things I got out of it were three different things. first I learned about the way the human brain processes information, and second I learned about reading body language. You can't read peoples minds with NLP, that isn't how it works, but you can have a guess about how they are feeling and the way they are thinking and try to act accordingly. it is much simpler than I make it sound. I also learned about cause and effect thinking. Effect thinking is when you think, "I should probably take the washing down from the line soon" and cause thinking is where you think, "I will take the washing down from the line now." if you use cause thinking as much as you can it helps make you more productive and happier.

I learned loads and I changed a few of my opinions, I felt so positive. I still feel pretty positive but it is kind of an anti climax. I know that today and yesterday I have been trying to keep a tight grip on my emotions, I feel on the edge of the depression stuff again, but I will be strong.

I will prevail in the battle of me  ness against depressing ness.

I will attempt some more list action.

Bye.

Goodbye Until Saturday.

Hello,

Today everything changes. I leave to go on my adventure at midday. I am nervous and excited but mostly just hungry. I am starving actually, I haven't had breakfast yet and I have been awake, what... an hour and a half. this is ridicules, I need to eat.

That's better, I had porridge.

Today is filled with a strange nervous excitement and an underlying current of melancholy because I will be leaving for a few days and this is one of the only times I have stayed away on my own. The longest I have been away is a six days, on holiday with my friend.

I am writing from my usual position at my bedroom desk as my sisters lie in bed behind be. One sister is reading and the other is sleeping. This is all completely normal for us. Mum and Dad are downstairs with my brother. Mum is cleaning and Dad is on the computer. My brother is playing Minecraft. (Or however it is spelled)

I hope the next few days will go well. I will tell you all about it when I get back.
This will be my last entry for a little while so I will see you soon.

Bye.    

I Write Deep Stuff In A Dinosour War Zone.

Hello,

I have one day left before I go away.

I guess I am using this as a starting point for the first day of the rest of my life. I have been sort of waiting for it before I do anything else and it needs to stop. I know it will be happening tomorrow but for today, my life begins again. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

My Mum reads this blog, did I ever tell you that. It makes her laugh and she keeps telling me that she isn't a hippie, she is just trying to save money but I think it is a bit of both. I interviewed her once about my depression and how it effected her. It was an interesting interview and it opened my eyes to what she was really feeling the whole time. My Dad always took a different view of everything, He was confrontational (which is not like him at all) he made me face my problem straight on and eventually it worked, between Mum's coaxing and Dads 'snap out of it' attitude, I admitted my problem and accepted that I had one. Thanks Mum and Dad.

I remember a conversation I had with my Dad a few years ago. He told me in passing that I seemed to treat people as if they were more important than me somehow. Those words somehow sparked a thought in me and I had my first and only epiphany to date. I realised that was exactly how I treated people and felt. I changed a lot because of that. I realised that I was my own person and that it was ok to be different. I grew up. I treat everyone equally now. But my depression changed me again and I spent countless hours, days, months in my room on my laptop with nothing else, hiding from the world.

This is what I have to work with, this is me so far. I hope I can get better and improve myself.

I will start on my To Do List today. hopefully, lets see what I can do? I can start on random acts of kindness or writing a letter to someone I admire at least.

(I just want to say while I am here, that I have just written a deep and meaningful blog post while listening to music and watching a Dalek, Ben 10 and dragon war take place on the desk beside me. my brother is using my face cream bottle to balance his TARDIS on. that seems somehow strange to me. but I have definitely broken the rule that says multi tasking is impossible, all you can do is multi fail. I am amazing!)

Bye. 

Change Of Plans.

Hello,

The course I am going on has been postponed until April. I am disappointed of course but I will still be going to visit the friend who runs the course on Wednesday and I will get to do the course in the end. I am still excited and not overly disappointed as I still have a lot to look forward to.

As I am still getting over my depression, (I hate saying that it makes it seem so much more real, whenever I say it out loud, I rush through the word like it will poison me or I imply it without saying the ominous word; Depression.) I am still coping with the after affects. as my Dad says, "I'm not out of the woods yet" So today I sat in the bathroom and cried (Again) because I couldn't decide what to cook. Mum made dinner instead. I will have to make it up to her. I am also trying to make a collage with words and quotes cut out of magazines. I had some 'Times Magazines' to chop up so that I could get some Caitlin Moran quotes from it. I will post a picture when I'm done.

I learned something today, Sugar really is addictive, there is a short YouTube video about it below:

http://ed.ted.com/lessons/how-sugar-affects-the-brain-nicole-avena

(We won't mention the fact that I am currently nomming my way through an entire bar of 'Dairy Milk' chocolate)

I also learned that you should never paint your nails with black and yellow stripes unless you are doing a lady gaga impression.

I will start trying harder to complete my 'To Do List' now and I will also have to find something else to put all my energy into now I don't have NLP yet.

Bye.

Random Update

Hello,

I should start by telling you about my day yesterday since I didn't post then.

I worked, got a tip, broke a cup, a saucer and a plate, got my pay cheque and had a bath. I painted my toenails TARDIS blue and watched a movie with Dad. The other day I forgot to mention I watched a movie called 'Nina's Heavenly Delights' I loved it, it was a really happy, feel good movie with a twist. I watched it on Amazon Prime instant movie, here is the IMDB trailer.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0435706/

Today it is my turn to cook but I am also preparing for my adventure which is only 2 days away. I feel a little better about it but I know however nervous I am... This shit is happening anyway!

that's all for now.

Bye.

Rambling about dancing in my underwear and Doctor Who.

Hello,

I worked hard today, not only did I try really hard to do well at work, I was also trying to be more 'out there' and sociable and Not get depressed again! So, I think I did pretty well. I served some customers and I washed up (a lot) and then when I got home I went for a walk with dad and talked and laughed and things.

Yesterday after I had written about how I was slipping back to the depression and stuff. I talked to my Dad and ended up crying. although this is not a big thing for most girls, it is for me. I don't cry very much and I don't like talking about my feelings either, so to do both in one night is pretty impressive don't you think? After that I listened to Alanis Morissette and danced around in my underwear. (not a pretty sight)

Today I brought myself some toothpaste to take on my adventure (I will now refer to the NLP course as 'The Adventure') and I have almost finished packing. On Monday and Tuesday I will sort the rest out.

I am feeling nervous at last. I knew it would happen some time but I was hoping to save my nerves for the train journey. I am shitting myself nervous about my adventure and I am studiously not complaining to anyone. I haven't even mentioned it. (Be strong!)     

Doctor who will be on soon, so of course I am ridiculously excited. Doctor who is one of the only things everyone in my family actually likes. I can hear my sisters squeaking about it in the background along with M's typewriter. She wants to be a poet and story writer so she spends most of her time typing on an old typewriter she somehow got/stole from Dad. Mum is putting the chickens to bed, which is a task that mostly consists of shoving there feathery asses into the nest boxes and waiting for them to settle down. Only joking, she waits for them to go to bed and then just closes the door. she is a nice crazy hippie.

My brother is playing with some figurine fantasy characters and shouting, so every thing is normal here.

I don't really have many important things to say tonight so I just rambled on and on and on. Sorry.

Bye. 

Depression and To Do Lists

Hello,

It's funny when you realise that you aren't as ok as you thought you were. It makes you feel like a deflating balloon. I realised today that I am slipping back into the dark holds of depression once again. (Dramatic huh?) And that I need to do something about it.

So I stopped obsessively watching movies and I'm going to limit my time on my laptop. I will still post a lot on this blog, I will just spend less time Googling things etc. So I am redoubling my efforts to stay happy and vibrant. Depression isn't like sadness, for me, it is more like total apathy, to everything. So I will try desperately not to let it happen again. My family are all supportive of course and I will be doing my NLP thing in a few days (I leave on Wednesday and get back on Sunday) so I have an adventure to look forward to. I have never done anything like this before.

Due to my obsessive Googling I decided to Google bucket lists, because they are always inspiring. And of course, (being an unoriginal teenager, raised on rip offs because there is nothing new left to invent,) I decided to make one too. I decided though, that bucket lists are better off for people who are dying or want to do the things on their list 'at some point' in their life time, rather than right now. So when I discovered that there are 'things to do before you are (insert age here)' lists  I knew that was more along the lines of what I wanted to do.

So here is my 'To Do List' which I will attempt to complete before your very eyes. I will post it on a separate page so you can see it easily and mark the things I complete as I go. Meanwhile giving you a play by play of all the crazy things I want to do. It may take some time but I will complete it in the end.

Here is a link to the page with my list on it if you can't be bothered to click the 'To Do List' page at the top.

http://howtobeahumangirl.blogspot.co.uk/p/to-do-list.html

Bye. 

The Day I Finish My Book, Cuddle A Cat And Kiss A Pie.

Hello,

Today can be summed up in quite easily: I woke up, I drank coffee, I watched a movie that made me cry, I went to work early, I accidently served a customer a cake that was ordered and I cuddled a cat called Louise until she finally went away to hide from some kids.

The end of my day was the best part though. I ate fajitas, I ate apple cake, my sister brought me a whole apple pie from the shops, I finished my book.

My book ('How to be a Woman' by Caitlin Moran) was brilliant, it made me think, made me laugh and made me change my mind about thinking that Lady Gaga is a complete air head. She isn't. She may just be my new favourite hero. I was amazed at how honest and generally blunt Caitlin Moran was. She talked about her life and her experience without editing out the bits where she falls on her face. I utterly and completely recommend this book to anyone with an open mind, any feminists, or anyone who doesn't have an open mind, or isn't a feminist. Basically everyone.

My sister bought me a pie today with her own money. My sisters both earn money now, they have a small dog walking job and they get paid for it, so as 14 year olds, they have a little financial independence for the first time. So my sister bought me an apple pie (my favourite) and I was so happy I decided to throw myself down on my bed beside the pie and kiss it, wrapper and all. Of course she then had to point out that I should be thanking her not kissing a pie, so I said thank you and went back to kissing my pie.
"But Ellie," she cried in outrage, "other people must have fingered that pie, in the shop." I don't bother holding in the crude joke, or the laughter, I need to be less dirty minded and start talking about my feelings more. Maybe then I'd have more friends who are girls.
I won't change of course, I am lying when I say this is something I should be doing. this is just something I could do. But won't.
I have found (since my personality transplant, A.K.A. my depression) that I am hones to a fault most of the time, and sarcastic to the point of ridiculousness the rest of it. I also love the word ridiculous. (I hope I spelled it right)

At the moment I am living in a pair of very unflattering three quarter length jeans because the rest of my clothes are packed for when I go away to study NLP. I won't be taking my laptop so I will have a lot to say at the end of the week when I come back. I have had eight views since I put up the first post, (although I can't tell how many were just me checking how the blog looked,) so I don't think there are many, if any people, looking at my blog yet. that's ok with me of course. My chosen method of  sorting out my thoughts (i.e. writing my life up on the internet for everyone to laugh at) is quite ridiculous (That word again) if you think about it. I am ordering my private life by sorting through my private thoughts on a public website. It's official, I'm CRAZY! Or stupid. Probably both.

Bye.

Hello

Hello,

I am currently reading Caitlin Moran's 'How to be a woman' it is confusing and amazing me and obviously inspiring me to write about my own life and experiences. I have written before mind you, I have three logs now including this one. First there is the blog where I rant about things like politics and sexism and society and politics. Then there is the one where I make stuff and take photos of it.
This is the honest one where I just talk.
This is the one about me.

I suppose having two younger sisters who are twins has taught me that if you want to get heard then you have to actually talk, even if everyone else is shouting, at least your trying right? But I'm not trying to get heard, not really. I just want somewhere to talk, someone to talk to.

I have three younger siblings, which makes me the oldest. First there are the twins who I will call M&S, although that sounds like I'm talking about marks and spencer's. But then S&M doesn't sound much better, so lets just call them the girls. My eight year old brother is my other sibling, his name starts with a J so lets call him brother. Mum and Dad are next of course but there isn't much to say about them. They are both basically hippies who moved to a large village in England and started raising four children on vegetarian food cooked on a wood burning cooker (not an Aga) and washing all their clothes in the bath, while teaching us all to be feminists and then Dad becoming a sociology lecturer at a collage for a while. I am the only one with a real job now, and I'm proud of it. I have been home educated since I was eleven and my parents realised that my utter hatred of school wasn't going to go away, and neither was my stress eczema.

I on the other hand am a 16 year old something. honestly I don't really know who I am and that is what this blog is about, (as you would know if you had read the 'about me' page.) I have just come out of a six month depression and internet addiction (that I don't talk about) and realised that apart from the fact I am alive (and actually happy about it now I'm not depressed) I don't have a clue who I am.

So here is what I do know:

1. I work at a farm shop and I love it there.
2. I love chocolate.
3. I am a feminist.
4. I am vegetarian, for now.
5. I like using :) smiley faces.
6. I hate marmite.
7. I want to be a nice person.

So that is the basics, here are the things I like to do. I have all these things to work with.

1. writing
2. reading
3. playing the guitar (badly)
4. drawing and painting
5. general art
6. talking to people
7. cooking
8. movies and making films
9. music
10. computers

So I have that, plus the fact that I will be going on a NLP practitioners course in a week and a half. I basically jumped at the chance to do something new and terrifying the minute I got out of my depression. I seem to have got out of my painfully shy phase too.
This is not something I would usually do, and yet here I am going off on an adventure.

So hopefully during the course of this blog writing I will find out who I am. Here is an explanation on NLP:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

http://www.nlplifetraining.com/what-is-nlp/index.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vlcsFJyEXQ

Here is some information on unschooling:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unschooling

http://yes-i-can-write.blogspot.co.uk/

https://www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=what+is+unschooling+ea,

So yea, this is me for now.

I will write again soon.

bye.