Summer Feeling

Hi,

Today I have that summery feeling, sunshine and ice cream and the sea side... I just feel like it must be summer. I've done nothing but sit on my butt indoors all day of course but that's ok for a weekend (Or my equivalent to a weekend which is Mondays and Tuesdays at the moment) I watched a movie with my silly sisters and I chatted to them and played guitar earlier.

When I was feeling bad that would have been a full and busy day and a big achievement.

But I feel great! I feel like summer.

I'm working full time now and I'm outside quite a lot which I enjoy. My course is over and I really enjoyed it, I got a lot out of it too. I've got books to read and things to do and I'm writing to everyone again, life is good and I am happy.

I really hope I can keep this summer feeling, and I hope you can catch it too.

NLP, Tumblr and To Do List 03

Hi there,

NLP module 1 complete. Yay!

I loved it, as I knew I would and I'm now feeling the effects of a large burst of concentrated optimism. I'm happy to be happy.

My Tumblr page is clearing of emo inspires quotes and gothic artwork to be replaced with inspiring quotes and artwork that would have driven me mad only a few weeks ago. I am happy to say that I know feel actually positive!

I am alone in these feelings it seems because the rest of my family carry on grumbling like the traditional British adults they were raised to be. Everyone is making an effort though and soon I will convert the whole world to feeling good about themselves... (insert evil cackle of your own choosing here)

Politics is depressing though, for me at least. (and every other poor person and anyone with a conscience.) As I was saying...

I respect other peoples opinions to the opposite but please, please double check your facts. :)

Back to the optimism.

The depression/ bad feelings/ down phase/ whatever is slipping away slowly but surely to reveal... a blank canvas, a fresh page to doodle on. I hit rock bottom for a moment there and now I'm heading up.
So I highly recommend reinventing yourself sometimes. It just needs to be done at least once in your life.

I also have another To Do List entry completed, sort of. I died my hair black (not blue) but for me it was just as big and important so I am crossing that off the list.

thank you universe for the support and I will write again soon.

bye.

Adventure Time (at last)

Hi there,

so for a while now I have been excited about my course and the adventure it will bring to my life, and today, finally, I will be leaving to go to Gloucester to study NLP.

I am so happy!

After a year of on and off depressive feelings and bad moods lasting months at a time I am feeling hopeful and much better.

I would make an acceptance speech but I have never been good at public speaking. I am happy to accept this new positivity though.

I want to thank my wonderful family who have helped me through these hard times and who have patiently listened when I have talked. I want to thank my brother who has always been happy (because nine year olds tend to be) My mum who always lets me talk, and my dad who always makes sure I know I can talk. I want to thank my two younger sisters who have surprised me by becoming my support system and my best friends. I no longer see them as 'little' sisters, they are simply 'sisters' and they are wonderful (as I'm sure they already know) but surprisingly, most of all I want to thank Deepak Chopra, Kate Bush, Joni Mitchell, Sam Smith, Alice Cooper and Fall out boy for being so supportive through my headphones and my books all this time. You have all made such a difference and there are so many more people I haven't mentioned but I appreciate so much as well.
thank you.

So now I embark on my journey of self discovery, self improvement and connection with other people and I have only one thing to say.

Allons y mutherf****er!

bye.

Note To Self

Hello,

Some days are better than others. Sometimes everything is going well but that can change in a second. Circumstances can change in a second so if your happiness depends on them then it won't last long......................

 

If you research happiness and find out all you can about being happy then you would think you would become an expert, but in my limited and emotionally biased experience I have found that researching happiness doesn't get you very far. You can know things intellectually without really, actually knowing them.

 

You can look at a map of Africa, study pictures and film and learn the language but you will never truly know about Africa without visiting it. Just as you cannot be happy without just going ahead and living it. (Says a partially depressed hormonal teenager) 

 

Being happy is all about living it not feeling happiness. I am not completely happy at the moment but I know now that I have to stop manically trying to feel happy and just start living it. (easier said than done)

 

I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if everyone could feel what it felt like to be everyone they meet, people would judge less harshly, they would treat people kinder and be less hard on themselves, as they see how others who have felt what they do, treat them.

 

I was a pretty harsh judge when I was small and I thought I knew it all, but as I became the victim of snap judgments, uneducated stereotyping and being stuffed into other peoples pigeon holes, I have become a much less judgmental person. I still have a way to go but I try not to judge people quickly or for the wrong reasons.

 

What I'm saying is....

 

Be kind, be forgiving, be helpful, hopeful and most of all be happy. Don't be passively unmiserable be actively, properly happy!

 

bye.

   

And here we are again

Hi,

And here we are again. I'm apologising for not writing in a long time and you are rolling your eyes and feeling sorry for me (slightly).

You probably think I am such a depressing looser, and you would be right. But I am also just human and so must inevitably be forgiven, sorry.

You are also maybe wondering who 'you' are. 'You' are the internet in general, the void of unknown nobodies who are reading this, the two people on my stats page from somewhere random like Russia. Hello random someone, but mostly, hello nobody, hello internet, hello void of nothingness you are my most loyal viewer.

That was an extravagant way of saying my parents are the only ones who read this blog. (and the two unknown people from Russia, we mustn't forget them.)

I have been expanding my social skills by socialising at home education meet ups and work. I learned from Channel 4's new TV sitcom 'Raised by Wolves' that lying on top of someone is not socialising so I stopped doing that. This leaves my social life pretty pathetically empty so I have been smiling at strangers and making conversations at the check out of our only local tiny supermarket the co-op. It has been successful if mostly uncomfortable for me.

I love people though, this is the thing that has always helped with having a positive outlook on life (something I am pretty bad at so far...) and getting over depression (which is a very unsociable illness.) But genuinely caring about random strangers does have its downsides.

A distant relative took it upon herself to be vaguely mean about most of my immediate family on Facebook. even though I don't actually give a shit what she thinks I was genuinely hurt that she could feel such uncomfortable feelings about us. I am probably not wise enough to be completely concerned with the serious amount of karma she just dumped on herself and more about the fact that she said mean shit about my granny but hey, I try.

feelings and thoughts always seem so sophisticated and amusing and... original in my head, but so damn childish on the screen so I can write my innermost feelings and think, wow that was deep. And then read it back and realise it sounds like a pans people interpretation of a hurts song. (incredibly self pitying and badly expressed) but opening up is supposed to be important so I continue to bore you all. (thank you my parents and the lovely random Russians:)

So my update has been odd I'm sure, and if you still think I can say anything mildly sensible after this I think you might need some kind of reality check, are you actually in possession of any common sense? I am a loony, obviously and nothing I say must ever be taken too seriously. apart from my next words.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMVmNTn6GA8

bye.

Long Time No See!

Hello,

Long time no see!

Sorry for the big gap in bothering you with my useless drivelling AKA Writing etc. but I was depressed (again) Yes I really am that pathetic.

Of course all of my annoyingly supportive friends and family don't think (or say) that I am pathetic, but that is the way I feel. I also have a cold so I feel pretty sick too.

I am using the computer very little which makes a small difference to my mood but most of the time I feel completely crap. I don't really know how to feel better but I have started writing down the constant narration of my life through thoughts which streams through my head 24/7. It is sarcastic, rude, bitter and I use the F word A LOT! But it is my head and I kind of find it funny.

So as a summery of everything that has happened in my life recently, I have been depressed, written my thoughts and tried to survive each and every torturous day without exploding and shouting and swearing at all the kind people who are trying to help me. (However tempting it sometimes gets)

Although I am not glued to the computer though. I am not better, I still feel like shit and that hasn't changed as much as I hoped, so I will be seeking professional advice and help because however tough I try to be there are some times that I need to just ask for help. Sometimes, everyone needs someone else.

until the next time,

goodbye!!!

Weird Day

Hello,

I have been thinking...
Being a teenager (especially a 16 year old) is like going through a transition, from child to adult. The problem is that being this age, you are in between the two. Not on one side of the line, or the other. So being a child-adult you are basically ready to grow up but are being restricted by laws and society. Obviously this phase comes at different times in everyone's life, some people it will come earlier and for some people later.

But this phase is difficult because lets face it you are stuck between the child and adult worlds with no one way to go. Being stuck in this transition phase is hard, and this (I have discovered) is not unusual but also it is the thing I am in. I am in transition, like a butterfly's cocoon.

In other news...
Today at work, We were cleaning and I ended up lugging sacks of flour around the kitchen. I grabbed one and started dragging it across the room backwards. Of course being me I only got a little way across the room before I backed my arse into the edge of the table. I will probably have a bruise now. I also sieved some coco powder and ended up covered from head to toe in the stuff. I also cleaned the floor so by the time I strolled out of work across the car park towards my Dad, I looked like I had been through a hedge backwards.   

I have had a weird day :)

bye.