Weird Day

Hello,

I have been thinking...
Being a teenager (especially a 16 year old) is like going through a transition, from child to adult. The problem is that being this age, you are in between the two. Not on one side of the line, or the other. So being a child-adult you are basically ready to grow up but are being restricted by laws and society. Obviously this phase comes at different times in everyone's life, some people it will come earlier and for some people later.

But this phase is difficult because lets face it you are stuck between the child and adult worlds with no one way to go. Being stuck in this transition phase is hard, and this (I have discovered) is not unusual but also it is the thing I am in. I am in transition, like a butterfly's cocoon.

In other news...
Today at work, We were cleaning and I ended up lugging sacks of flour around the kitchen. I grabbed one and started dragging it across the room backwards. Of course being me I only got a little way across the room before I backed my arse into the edge of the table. I will probably have a bruise now. I also sieved some coco powder and ended up covered from head to toe in the stuff. I also cleaned the floor so by the time I strolled out of work across the car park towards my Dad, I looked like I had been through a hedge backwards.   

I have had a weird day :)

bye.

I accept my depression

Hi,

Today I accepted that I am not alright. I have recently had depression and I am not well yet. I keep avoiding this subject but I have to face it.

I have had depression! I am recovering from depression!

It is a difficult thing to admit. Depression is different for everyone but for me, the feeling I get before I got ill was like I couldn't stop myself from getting depressed and I was grasping onto the edge of the cliff trying to stay on top, trying not to fall into my illness again. Yes, depression is an illness and I prefer, on the rare occasions I talk about my depression, to say, 'when I was ill' rather than 'when I had depression'.

I saw a picture the other day of me when I was ill. It was not pretty, you could tell something wasn't right. I heard a quote the other day. It was from a crappy movie but it was a brilliant quote. "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." It is the thought that goes through my head a lot when I am ill. I feel guilty because I am troubling the people I care about most. I saw a cartoon strip which was captioned with the worries of a person with anxiety. There were black and white pictures and captions about the sorts of things people with anxiety think. The one that really got to me was this: 'Do you remember that stupid thing you did? So does everybody else!' it is a perfect example of how anxiety feels, and how I felt for a long time.

Depression is often misunderstood or even trivialised but everyone who has ever experienced it knows that however they got into it. Getting out of depression is an uphill battle. The things that would help make you better are the same things you feel least like doing. But more than that you feel like you can't do them. You feel like there is nothing you can do.

I am getting better but I have finally admitted that I am not better yet!

Good luck if you have it or know someone who does. Whatever you do, keep trying! Just trying. It doesn't matter what you do so long as you do it with passion and you really try.
(At least that is my opinion.)

bye.

Nomming and Books

Hello,

This morning I got up really early and when I was getting dressed I needed to yawn. Now when I yawn, I say nom, nom, nom. I don't know why it is just a habit that started as a joke, so when I yawned this morning I accidentally said nom, nom, nom accept I didn't want to wake anyone so I whispered it. And then started laughing because I just managed to whisper nom, nom, nom. Sometimes I doubt my own brain power.

I was told this morning to write how I feel and I wrote a short page on how cold I was. I feel better now. I don't think anyone ever feel good all the time and I really hope no one always feels bad all the time. I know I am not depressed because I keep getting cross with my sister which is good but also bad for my sister.

I have been reading about different religions, philosophy's and beliefs. It is very interesting, especially the alternative medicine, ritual magic and astronomy. I don't think I believe in a lot of what I am reading but it is super interesting and some of it is very wise and true. I also have a book on decoding dreams which has a lot about psychology and the unconscious mind.

I decided that life can't just stop being important here. If I am unhappy I still have something to work for so, work I will. I will work!

Yay me :)

bye.

I am, I have learned.

Hello,

People say that you can be whoever you want and often who 'you' are can be decided by listing a few facts about yourself such as:

Name:
Favourite colour:
Favourite food:
Least Favourite colour:
Least Favourite food:
bla, bla, bla...

So if you want to change your 'you' then maybe, you just... can. Just like that. One day you are John Smith and the next you are Bob Clark. All you have to do is change the music you listen to, the colours you like, the clothes you wear. So I have put together a list of things you need to change to change 'you'.

Name:
Favourite Colour:
Usual Food:
Favourite Music:
Usual Clothes And Makeup/Accessories:
Usual Books And Movies:
Usual Way Of Speaking:
Usual Reactions To Everything:
Opinions:

Ok so they are the basics (I think...)

Who you are in our society is superficial and easily changed. What I am saying is it doesn't matter if one day you are a Goth and the next day you are a hippy. Or you could suddenly become both?

It doesn't matter who you are so long as it is something you want to be.

And that is what I have learned from Caitlin Moran's 'How To Build A Girl'

bye.

We Went On Holiday!

Hello,

We had a lovely time in Devon, we went to the beach and swimming every day. It was actually sunny too. It did rain but not too much.

I love the sea so much and I really enjoyed being right by it. In the evenings we went down to look at the sea in the dark and it was amazing, especially with the full moon out too. We ate a lot of junk food, pizza, burger King etc. We barely ever eat out but we ate out loads on holiday. I will be walking off those fast food calories for months :)

It is nice to be back though, it is good to sleep in my own bed and sit on our own sofa and use my laptop again! We don't take our compuery things on holiday!

I will update with some pictures later but for now.

bye.

bla bla Holiday!

Hello,


'How To Be A Girl' by Caitlin Moran has arrived! I am taking it on hoilday to read. It is on my To Do List so I can cross that off soon. I am really excited to read it!!


Tomorrow I am going to Devon Cliffs on holiday I am looking forwards to it but I am having trouble writing that because I am getting violently spellchecked by my mother!! Now she is laughing uncontrollably :)

We are all sort of sitting around waiting for tomorrow. No one knows what to do with themselves.

I won't be writing until I get back on Thursday and I am pretty busy then so it might be a while.

See you soon,

love, ellie