Cool People Have Parents!

Hello,

I talked to my Dad Today, we just chatted together and had a nice time, I do that sometimes. I chat to my parents, like friends, because I am weird, but I have always treated my parents as equals and they have always treated me like that too. I am one of the lucky ones, one of the people who's parents aren't that strict, I get on well with them, we are a close family, I tell them a lot of what is going on in my life. But I still need outside friends, people my own age who I can just be silly with.

I have four friends my own age and two of them are on the computer. My fifth friend lives far away and we talk occasionally on the phone or over Facebook, but we don't talk often. My two main friends are both two years younger than me and one of them goes to school and the other one lives in Shaftsbury, so I can't just pop over to see her whenever I want. I count myself lucky to have so many friends though, I am lucky to have such good friends too.

It is a common problem for people who are home schooled (like me) or people who have recently left school, to have trouble making new friends. At school you are forced to spend time with other people and often those people will become your friends. But when you leave school, you have to do all the work meeting people and befriending them without sounding desperate or being awkward or just ending up as a recluse. I met my friend who goes to school when I was four so that was easy. My home schooled friend in Shaftsbury I met at a meet up organised my our respective mothers. We get on well but we don't see each other often. these two girls are my best friends, I know I am probably not theirs but that surprisingly doesn't bother me.
I have more friends (and definitely more real friends) now than I did when I was ta school. I am doing everything backwards.  

I talked to my Dad today and I realised something. My parents may be just that; parents. But they are mine and I love them, I know I haven't been an easy daughter with my depression and general obsessive behaviour over the last few months and years but I love them so much that I got motivated to get of my depression because I didn't want to stress them out and make them worry. I think I have a close and healthy relationship with them :)

I may not be the coolest person in the world, I still hold my Mum and Dad's hands in public, (I just don't care about what people think about that). But I am still a 16 year old desperate to fit in and I don't fit in at all, except at home. My parents aren't immortal (I'm not saying their old I'm just saying YOLO) (I hate YOLO) And neither am I, so I can spend time with them whenever I want.

I am not too cool to hang out with my parents!

From now on I will spend more time with them, pinkie promise :)

bye.

blue hair

Hello,

In my To Do List, I wrote that I wanted to die my hair blue. I haven't done that yet because of work and life and things getting in the way but I did get a pound land wig. let's say this task is half done :)

Bye.

Oops :)

Hello,

I went to work and had a good day today. I will be starting my gruelling task of  trying to be ok and in the habit of thinking positive thoughts tomorrow. I also want to be doing more things generally. I will hopefully complete another of my To Do List tasks then too.

I have been writing again, mostly to my two internet friends which make up exactly half of my social circle, but also stories. I hope to improve my writing and actually finish something soon.

Today at work I burned my arms trying to get bread out of the oven. I am such a twit, seriously I don't know how I did it I think I just forgot about gravity for a moment. Easily done:)

oops :)

 

 

Bye.

Train To Somewhere New

Hello,

I'm working again today, I got up at seven (reluctantly) and now I am on my laptop until about quarter to nine when I have to get ready.

Doctor who is tonight and of course I am excited. I saw a bit of the Graham Norton show last night with Peter Capaldi in it. Doctor who is the one thing my whole family watches together, it is pretty much the only thing I watch at all actually. I like movies but I don't watch much TV.

I keep wishing that I could just wake up one morning and get on a train and go somewhere new. Just drop everything and leave. I want to get away and see something I haven't seen before, I wish I could just go, as if I had nothing keeping me here, no job or family to worry about me. I know I can't but sometimes I wish I could. There is so much of the world I haven't seen and I want to see more of it before I die. I hope I will get to travel one day. I always thought that everything would all just fall into place and I would go away for a while to travel Britain if not the world. But it hasn't and I am still sitting on the sofa with a laptop writing about it.

After today some things will have to change. I need to do more than just sitting around on my computer all day so I will have to push myself again, I will check the to do list for more ideas. I need to do some inspiring things, maybe watch some inspirational YouTube videos and do some doodle quotes to stick on my wall. I need to start pulling myself out of this tiny little depression that I have relapsed into.

Tomorrow (when I have time) I will go through my week and write down lots of new things to do to keep me busy. I will get over this!

That's all for now.

Bye.
  

update again.

Hello,

The last few days have been slow for me. I spend most time on my laptop writing to my penfriends (yes there's more than one now) and working on a short story I have been writing. The story is just for fun and I might not finish it but I don't mind.

I have been writing a lot of songs too. My guitar is almost permanently on my bed ready to be used and my songbook is looking scruffier by the day. I need to learn some new chords though because my limited knowledge is becoming... well, limiting.

The weather is very strange, sort of sticky and warm but also cold, it's very claustrophobic and I hate it. I was thinking about the funny stories that I have the other day and I realised that I don't have many. Most people have a few funny stories they can tell to knew people they meet or at parties, but all mine are about other people. I just haven't done that much, I need to work on that.

that's all for now,
bye.

Carnival

Hello,

This weekend was the Carnival on my village. I worked most of the day but I got to see the night carnival, I didn't go to the fair. I love carnival day, especially since this year we had a chocolate festival. I bought some different flavoured fudge for my Dad because he couldn't come with us and a homemade candle. I also had a coffee quite early on in the evening so I was hyper for the rest of the night,

I was pretty tired since the cousins visited earlier that day too and I had been working nine thirty to five so I needed something to keep me awake. I ended up running (literally) up the high-street shouting 'get a move on' at my sister. I had a fun night.

growing up is much harder than anyone ever tells you. Being a teenager is so much work. What do you wear, what makeup do you wear, how do you do your hair, what words are you supposed to use when you drop things or fall over (not 'bother' I learned the hard way) and how do you act towards new people and people you 'like' or your friend 'likes'???

How do you act like an ordinary human girl? When I find out I will tell you, if I ever find out.

So until the next time,

Goodbye. 

Ramble

Hello,

We have a new chicken and her name is Sally Sparrow, she is paler than the other two but the other, older chickens pick on her. Madam Vastra is the boss chicken, she survived a badger attack and I'm sure she likes to tell the other two she fought it off herself. She didn't. Amelia Pond is the second in command, she is the cheekiest always trying to steal your food like a seagull. luckily she is not mighty enough to steal our food if we are careful.

I made two pictures today, one of them is a Doctor who quote that says, 'I am and always will be the optimist, the hoper of far flung hopes, and dreamer of improbable dreams.' It is done in blue and purple writing with gold spirals around it. It took me ages. The second (which I actually made first) is a 'The Fault in our stars' quote poster with different quotes in different colours. I am quite proud of both of them.

I am tiered today but it will be bedtime soon so I better say goodbye. I was almost sad to write something after my 'Morning Walk' post because I liked it so much and I didn't want to update ontop of it if you see what I mean?

bye.

A Morning Walk.

Hello,

Today I went for a morning walk.

I woke up early, six O'clock I got out of bed because it has been difficult for me to get up in the morning recently. I pulled out some clothes and a hair brush and tiptoed into the bathroom to dress.
When I was done I grabbed my phone and no money and crept downstairs, I left a note on the kitchen table so no one would worry. I closed the door gently behind me and walked out into the morning.

On one side the sky was pink and the sunlight glowed golden and warm through the clouds but the air had an autumn chill. The crescent moon was shining in the morning light at the top of the pink part of the sky. I looked up at the hill and then down towards the river. I chose to walk down to the river as the grass on the hill would get my feet wet.

I started off down the hill and the morning was beautiful, I walked towards the high street to see the early morning shops that looked warm and welcoming. But I walked on past them watching the coloured carnival bunting that was strung like a spiders web above me between the houses flutter in the wind.

I know the walk to the river well and I got there quickly to find my favourite seat empty as usual. I tiptoed through the grass trying not to get my feet too wet and sat on the dew dampened bench. I watched the river for a while, and the sky. I knew that my phone had no signal and I didn't have long to stay in my makeshift paradise but I enjoyed every second and I felt everything. I felt like all my nerve endings had come alive and every breeze, every sound, every colour was more vibrant and more alive.

I walked to the bridge to see the goose that stands in the river there eating a breakfast of river plants and a moorhen on a branch singing a song. When at last I knew it was time to go I walked slowly, reluctant to leave my small bit of peace, back through the graveyard where the different coloured roses grow, past the pink delicate wildflowers by the path and back to the now busying streets of my home.

When I got back my parents were awake and although I had left a note, they somehow hadn't even realised I was gone.

Bye.  

To Do List 19.

Hello,

I have completed my first To Do List task. I have watched 'The Fault In Our Stars' which is number 19 on the list.

I did cry, I even cried and laughed at the same time at one point so it must have been a good film. I really enjoyed it (despite the crying). It was inspirational and fun and honest. It was defiantly worth putting on the list.

 

A not very attractive picture of me crying. But then this blog was never meant to flatter me.

 

Bye.

What I haven't done

Hello,

I sometimes feel like I haven't done anything much in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have done wonderful things, visited Stourhead Gardens almost every month for a year since I was five. I have been to an environmental fair and a powwow. I have seen live music, carnivals, ballet, plays and I have been in plays. I even went to a music festival last year.

But I want to travel the world and go on more adventures. I guess this feeling is partly anti climax from my adventure to Gloucester and partly that pesky depression creeping in every time I take my eyes off of it for a moment. I feel like I am being dragged under again and I don't know how to stop it. But I won't do anything unless it gets properly bad since I am still ok at the moment. (I think)

I recommend Stourhead Gardens to everyone and anyone because it is my favourite place in the world.

bye.

I am, I want,

Hello,

'You can be whoever you want to be'

I want to be...

happy
kind
helpful
strong
interesting
interested
loved
inspired
prosperous
healthy
funny
motivated
accepted

These are all things that almost everyone wants. But what people forget is that you can try to get them, you can work towards them. Even if you never get them you can try.

I have a to do list that has lots of things I want to do on it. But I think it is good to think about what you want to be sometimes too.

What do you want?

I wonder how many people actually know the answer to that question. I don't, not always.

To quote Vivian Stanshall 'I don't know what I want but I want it now'.

Maybe now is the time to work out what you want and who you are, I know it is for me.

bye. 

Pen Pal's

Hi,

My depressed state of being is taking over again. I can feel the colours slipping away.

So I need help. I don't want to go back to the doctor so I Google support groups and therapists. Nothing in my area that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. But I find pen pals a popular thing.

I joined two sites and a Tumbler page yesterday and tonight. I have had one reply and I hope this will give me something outward to focus on and someone to talk to. I haven't really told anyone but I'm not exactly hiding it either, I just haven't really thought of it till now.

I bought blue hair die the other day and since it is on my To Do list I will ask my boss later in the week if it would be a problem to go all blue haired and punky. I hope for better success with my mental optimism stuff.

That's all for now.

Bye.

Hello Sunday

Hello,

I'm back! (Obviously) hi!

The NLP course was amazing, it was really interesting and I learned so much. The most important things I got out of it were three different things. first I learned about the way the human brain processes information, and second I learned about reading body language. You can't read peoples minds with NLP, that isn't how it works, but you can have a guess about how they are feeling and the way they are thinking and try to act accordingly. it is much simpler than I make it sound. I also learned about cause and effect thinking. Effect thinking is when you think, "I should probably take the washing down from the line soon" and cause thinking is where you think, "I will take the washing down from the line now." if you use cause thinking as much as you can it helps make you more productive and happier.

I learned loads and I changed a few of my opinions, I felt so positive. I still feel pretty positive but it is kind of an anti climax. I know that today and yesterday I have been trying to keep a tight grip on my emotions, I feel on the edge of the depression stuff again, but I will be strong.

I will prevail in the battle of me  ness against depressing ness.

I will attempt some more list action.

Bye.

Goodbye Until Saturday.

Hello,

Today everything changes. I leave to go on my adventure at midday. I am nervous and excited but mostly just hungry. I am starving actually, I haven't had breakfast yet and I have been awake, what... an hour and a half. this is ridicules, I need to eat.

That's better, I had porridge.

Today is filled with a strange nervous excitement and an underlying current of melancholy because I will be leaving for a few days and this is one of the only times I have stayed away on my own. The longest I have been away is a six days, on holiday with my friend.

I am writing from my usual position at my bedroom desk as my sisters lie in bed behind be. One sister is reading and the other is sleeping. This is all completely normal for us. Mum and Dad are downstairs with my brother. Mum is cleaning and Dad is on the computer. My brother is playing Minecraft. (Or however it is spelled)

I hope the next few days will go well. I will tell you all about it when I get back.
This will be my last entry for a little while so I will see you soon.

Bye.    

I Write Deep Stuff In A Dinosour War Zone.

Hello,

I have one day left before I go away.

I guess I am using this as a starting point for the first day of the rest of my life. I have been sort of waiting for it before I do anything else and it needs to stop. I know it will be happening tomorrow but for today, my life begins again. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

My Mum reads this blog, did I ever tell you that. It makes her laugh and she keeps telling me that she isn't a hippie, she is just trying to save money but I think it is a bit of both. I interviewed her once about my depression and how it effected her. It was an interesting interview and it opened my eyes to what she was really feeling the whole time. My Dad always took a different view of everything, He was confrontational (which is not like him at all) he made me face my problem straight on and eventually it worked, between Mum's coaxing and Dads 'snap out of it' attitude, I admitted my problem and accepted that I had one. Thanks Mum and Dad.

I remember a conversation I had with my Dad a few years ago. He told me in passing that I seemed to treat people as if they were more important than me somehow. Those words somehow sparked a thought in me and I had my first and only epiphany to date. I realised that was exactly how I treated people and felt. I changed a lot because of that. I realised that I was my own person and that it was ok to be different. I grew up. I treat everyone equally now. But my depression changed me again and I spent countless hours, days, months in my room on my laptop with nothing else, hiding from the world.

This is what I have to work with, this is me so far. I hope I can get better and improve myself.

I will start on my To Do List today. hopefully, lets see what I can do? I can start on random acts of kindness or writing a letter to someone I admire at least.

(I just want to say while I am here, that I have just written a deep and meaningful blog post while listening to music and watching a Dalek, Ben 10 and dragon war take place on the desk beside me. my brother is using my face cream bottle to balance his TARDIS on. that seems somehow strange to me. but I have definitely broken the rule that says multi tasking is impossible, all you can do is multi fail. I am amazing!)

Bye. 

Change Of Plans.

Hello,

The course I am going on has been postponed until April. I am disappointed of course but I will still be going to visit the friend who runs the course on Wednesday and I will get to do the course in the end. I am still excited and not overly disappointed as I still have a lot to look forward to.

As I am still getting over my depression, (I hate saying that it makes it seem so much more real, whenever I say it out loud, I rush through the word like it will poison me or I imply it without saying the ominous word; Depression.) I am still coping with the after affects. as my Dad says, "I'm not out of the woods yet" So today I sat in the bathroom and cried (Again) because I couldn't decide what to cook. Mum made dinner instead. I will have to make it up to her. I am also trying to make a collage with words and quotes cut out of magazines. I had some 'Times Magazines' to chop up so that I could get some Caitlin Moran quotes from it. I will post a picture when I'm done.

I learned something today, Sugar really is addictive, there is a short YouTube video about it below:

http://ed.ted.com/lessons/how-sugar-affects-the-brain-nicole-avena

(We won't mention the fact that I am currently nomming my way through an entire bar of 'Dairy Milk' chocolate)

I also learned that you should never paint your nails with black and yellow stripes unless you are doing a lady gaga impression.

I will start trying harder to complete my 'To Do List' now and I will also have to find something else to put all my energy into now I don't have NLP yet.

Bye.

Random Update

Hello,

I should start by telling you about my day yesterday since I didn't post then.

I worked, got a tip, broke a cup, a saucer and a plate, got my pay cheque and had a bath. I painted my toenails TARDIS blue and watched a movie with Dad. The other day I forgot to mention I watched a movie called 'Nina's Heavenly Delights' I loved it, it was a really happy, feel good movie with a twist. I watched it on Amazon Prime instant movie, here is the IMDB trailer.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0435706/

Today it is my turn to cook but I am also preparing for my adventure which is only 2 days away. I feel a little better about it but I know however nervous I am... This shit is happening anyway!

that's all for now.

Bye.